Lets talk life. Ive decided to update here. Today me and the little lady decided to do a bit of browsing the mall and then Mongo Monday for dinner...I cant sleep. Its late. I have class in 4 hours and I need to do homework. This month is going by so crazy fast and so much to do. Four midterms coming up and two papers. Cedar Point on Sunday in an RV and Chicago on the 23rd. Sister had her homecoming and she looked AMAZING. I cried. Even if her homecoming managed to cost me
100$ it didnt bother me a bit. Because some people lack a bit on their duties I just increase mine a bit to make up for it. Id say overall life is a bit shitty and yet the best ever. Im glad to findly have amazing people in my life you truly love me and treat me like a person. Though ive never believed family was strictly blood im coming to believe that bieng related in any way doesnt even make you family. My family is my mom, my sister, My boyfriend, my best friends...namely Sara and lately Krystle has been there so much. I have my grandparents who love me....and it all makes me feel better every day. Oh and Tink and Cody<3. I just wanted to thank people....because lately I have been so moody. Paying for school alone, helping support your sister, working 4 days a week, going to school 5, and never sleeping takes a toll. Some people may say im a piece of shit and thats perfectly fine because perhaps I am...I suppose bieng a 19 yr full time 5 day a week student who also works 4 days a week, shares anything, pays all my own bills, and has a future is shitty. I suppose mantaining over a 3.5GPA is shitty. I suppose shitty could mean someone who has never done drugs and doesnt drink often then thats me too. I suppose its someone who has had the same boyfriend for almost 5 yrs and mantains a normal relationship without cheating. I suppose it could mean someone that doesnt go around telling people to fuck off. I mean if all this defines a shitty person then im just the worse. One thing I feel is that by no means do I owe anyone my life. No one owes anyone there life. Every where I am I got here on my own. To owe someone something like your life begins to imply they in some way own you or did something so amazing you could never live without them. Its something a selfish insecure person may say. I for one know that no one owes me shit nor do I own any lives. Im trying to think of something someone did so amazing for me that the meaning could even come close....and my only thought is my mother for giving birth to me...but even that doesnt imply such things. Let me explain basic parenting for the less educated out there. When you have a child..they owe you nothing. You have them because you want them so its an equal relationship. I never begged to be born therefor I cant owe you for something I never even asked for. Life is a gift you give and you do not owe for gifts. Your job is to love them and slightly influence them into making the best choices in life. Sure it means to support financially but a child will live longer on love then anything. Food, a house, money isnt enough or even close. You have to care for your children, spend time with them, and most importent...RESPECT THEM. You put them first. For greedy people this is a hard thing to manage. Its understood....you cant blame them. Its who they are...they will never change.
I will admitt in life ive said some mean things about people I never meant to hurt. At the time it was how I felt, and though it was never said to there face it was wrong in ways. Granted some was true you must learn to be a better person. I was a child and still am but im learning. Im better then that. I wont put myself that low and gossip. Forever people have wanted to gossip about me. I am a whore, I party always, I do drugs, I need to lose weight....well if thats how you see me thats great. I know who I am and thats all that matters. I like who I am...I dont need to change and beg people to love me. I am a great person and better then most. Say what they will I am not pregnant not even near close, Never done any drugs, I party openly and will admitt to it but im 19 and responsible. Im not a size 1 and I love who I am. Yes I stay the night at my boyfriends and he stays at my house, yes we take trips together....yes I drink, yes I swear, I waste money, I cry way too much, every shirt I own is far to low cut and I never go to church. Im no worse then anyone and not better then everyone. I dont try to hide my flaws and lie about them...if you hear anything Ill tell the truth. I dont care what anyone thinks in my family. I dont need my mom to lie and hide things about me, im not ashamed. Im young and i make mistakes. In five years I will be completly different and glad I lived. I have strict beliefs I stick to and thats how I stay who I am. I would never cheat, no drugs, I will always work hard, never quit school, never give up on my dreams, be an amazing parent who never said hurtfull words to my children or leave them, and always show love to those that show it to me...
This all didnt come from no where but from now on if you know me you know what I mean. I wont gossip. People have hurt me in life but never again. Ive given up on putting myself out there and I did a long time ago I realized. I know nothing was my fault and I wont try to make up for and put effort into a relationship I never ruined. Im an amazing person but some people could never know. Ill admitt im not the same person i was a year ago or two. I was quite and depressed and i let people hurt me. Now I dont care, im just me. Im loud, im obnoxious, and numb. My life is on an amazing track. Ill never be rich and I love that. Ill never be famous and thats great. In ten years ill be a teacher married to a firefighter with a million little kids whom are already named with a puppy and white picket fence. Im sure ill be disfunctional but never ever put my children in situations to hurt them. I would never smoke around them their health is first. I would never waste money on such products because bills come first. I would never abuse any substances because its selfish. You learn to live for someone else, and love it. Its not a punishment or giving up anything its trading up. There love fills you more then anything could. MY kids will never be talked to like shit because they have feelings. I will never allow others to put them down. No one can tell me any different on the matter. All of it is possible because anyone can do anything. If you disagree your simply weak and selfish. On another note.....I WOULD NEVER RUIN ANOTHER FAMILY. Anyone who does so should simply die. Its selfish...if only the world could be a little less selfish life could be better. Im not gonna say that bad things happening never have a positive influence. In fact I turned out amazing and for that I will thank people. Whether they did it in the best way means nothing. At this point in my life I just need more positive influence in my life and those who cant provide it just have to be cut out. I love you. Always will but you just never could love me. I understand now. This is for multiple people. You not bieng here will only hurt you in the end. I cant be stressed day to day when im trying to mantain a normal life. I have so much to look forward to like graduating college, getting married, having a family, having a job....and if people chose not to be there now in my life then by no means will they ever have a part in any of that either. I dont ask for anyone to change because i believe that no one can ever completly change.
Another note is do not read certain ohh say myspace post and assume they are about you. That is pure vanity. Parts may be about you but others mean something that Only I know of and ever will. Certain regrets I have have nothing to do with you. Trust me I actually have other things going on in my life. You can attempt to turn people against me thats fine. If they turn they never loved me anyways. Did it work? Nope. Because some people know I love them and I understand there love.
From now on im not going to stop posting shit that hurts people. Everything I post is how I feel and is actually truth not just words to hurt people. Others should take some notes. I will live my life and everyone else can have their own. I dont need birthday calls and cards, I dont need gifts, I dont need money, I dont need pity, I dont need graduation partys and graduation gifts, I dont need insurance or any inheritence from anyone. I have everything I need which is Everyone I need. Id die without my sister shes my life, no one and I mean no one will ever love her half as much as I do, Id never leave her, take money from her, put random kids before her, put anyone before her, ignore her, or go a week without seeing her. She is always here for me and we fight a ton but shes mine and I couldnt trade her. She loves me no matter what and no one does that. Shes perfect. I love Dustin because he sticks up for me, he respects me, hes there every time I cry over you and anyone else, he cares for me, makes sure I pay bills, pays for everything I need and cant get help for, he holds me, he loves me. I love my mom because shes crazy. She supports us and makes sure we have what we need. If my sister needs money for a dress then the house payment will wait. Its not the smartest but its more then most will do. We have a house because of her after some people left us in a home that was bieng taken away and left us to the street. She loves me in her own way. I love friends because they cheer me up. Thanks Sara for bieng there at 5am or 2am or even 2pm to grab food to feel better. You re assure me and keep me on track. You tell me the truth about anything I need to know and keep me from making dumb decisions. Youd take care of me as I throw up, thats love. Thnks for the million inside jokes, never hurting me too much and bieng a pain. YOur my BFF or My other SH. Thanx to Krystle lately shes been there to talk to about relationship what not shit and just goof with. Hanging with her is always a release. Shes such an amazing caring friend who couldnt love her. Thanx to newer friends like Steph for just bieng crazy and liking me for me. You wear the same size pants what more could I need. Terrianne I missed you and im glkad your there again. You were my best forever and you represent a huge part of my life. Thanx to random friends i meet and hang with on a daily basis. Thanx to my grandma for always staying true to your crazy ass roots. You may be 10 sheets to the wind but youd shoot someone for me and thats love. You were there in my life always and for that im there for you. Thanx to my Grandpa and my hero because you show me what a person should be like. I know youve made mistakes we all have but you have the biggest heart ever and to me thats the best quality in the world. YOu cried at my graduation, you cry when I cry, you call me everyday and make me happy to live. Id go crazy without you. Your so much more then a grandpa to me........
I didnt win an award im just babbling a bit about random life that has worn me down. I stopped sleeping mostly, and I may be crazy. Anyways school in now 2 hours, then straight to work till 9pm....a lovely little 12 hour day then nip/tuck tuesday with Sara. Chinnesse food tonight...mm....cannot wait.